The Library

Sex On The First Date

Let them eat cake: is sex on the first date the worst idea ever?
3 Min Read
Sex On The First Date

In the past, sex on the first date was something I never thought too much about. If you’re feeling it — and if you have consent — go for it, right? If you aren't, wait another night — or try out another first date. However, I have recently been hearing more and more about the panic behind this potential experience.

Women in heterosexual relationships in particular might be worried that if they have sex on the first night, their partner will lose interest in them. They shame themselves time and time again, proclaiming, “I ruined it!” if they made this seemingly unforgivable mistake. But have they actually?


Image of body shaped cake with slice cut out

Before even talking about sex, let's talk about something else… Let's talk about cake.

Let's say at your dinner date, you decide you both are in the mood for something sweet. You each order a piece of cake. It is delicious, it is fun, and you are both satisfied. But when all is said and done, and you’ve finished the desert, your partner judges you for having eaten the cake. That's the last time you hear from him.

Again, let's be clear here: he ate the cake, too — yet you are now being penalized for eating the cake. How absurd does that all sound?

You would probably sit back and think, “This is a huge red flag” if faced with a situation like this. But when we put this back into the context of sex, women are quick to blame themselves for having been the ones to make the mistake.

So let’s say you’ve had sex with someone on the first date. If someone doesn’t want to go out with you again after consensually and mutually deciding on sex, their decision is no fault of your own. This is sexism in a nutshell. You should never be penalized for engaging in the same activity as a man, especially one in which he likely encouraged you to participate in the first place.

Throw Out The Rule Book

If you need another way to look at this, let's pretend “no sex” on the first date is a rule. First of all, who established it? And second, I do feel like if you truly connect with someone, any sort of “rule book” goes out the window.

I remember reading Cosmo when I was younger, where articles would always suggest “do X” or “be Y” to attract the partner you are interested in. And while you can try to rationalize feelings… if the spark is there, the spark is there. If it's not, maybe it will come along on the second or third date. But following a “rule book” to create or force the spark can be a waste of your time. This idea of using tips and tricks to connect with a potential partner can help deepen a relationship, but not necessarily create it.

Furthermore, if you aren't getting a text back after a first date post-sex, remember that the person’s decision to ghost can be completely unrelated to sex. After just one date, you are in the shaky territory of having no idea how the other person actually feels. So sex or no sex, you might not be getting a follow-up either way.

What Can We Learn From This?

At the end of the day, it’s worth it to your own sexual identity to value your decision and your experience.

It can be tough, but if you feel yourself shaming yourself for deciding to have sex, interrogate why you feel like you need to feel badly about a decision that felt good in the moment. You'll feel better in the days to come.

What matters most here is consent. Are you and your partner both enthusiastically consenting to having sex? Is your partner giving you the level of respect you deserve? Sometimes first dates can lay the ‘I am going to say whatever this person wants to hear for sex’ approach on thick, which is usually both obvious and not worth your time. Make sure the respect is authentic, hone in on your own intentions and desires, and then make the decisions from there.


  1. @Amorelie
  2. @Lovabilityinc