The Library
Slut Shaming
3 Min ReadShame is an all-too-common feeling in sexual decision-making. How can something that has the potential to feel so good, and be so good for you also have the power to make you feel so badly?
Often, the feeling of shame that comes with sex — in any context — is the result of an inner monologue constantly reminding you how “bad” you are . And it’s no secret that the majority of people who are shamed about sexual expression are women. Great double standard, right?
Slut shaming women is an ever-present theme in everything from the news to entertainment and movies. In fact, ever since starting this blog, one of the questions I’ve received the most is: “Does my number matter?,” a question driven by the belief that the more partners you have, the more of a “slut” you are.
Before we go any further, the answer is a firm “No.” Let me say that again, and underline it this time: It does not matter how many partners you have shared sexual experiences with, as long as the experiences were consenting and founded on mutual respect.
The Focus on Female Slut Shaming
Society is continuously telling women that being less promiscuous is somehow more attractive, especially if these women are trying to date men. It’s easy to begin to believe that people will respect you more if you say no to sexual advances, no matter if you want to or not. It’s also a common belief that you will become more desirable by saying “no.”
This idea is deeply rooted in sexism. If men don’t have to worry about their numbers, why do you? No woman needs to curb her sexual decision-making or desires for the acceptance of a current or future partner.
Furthermore, sexual encounters are also not one-size-fits-all. Everyone's preferences and life journeys take them to different places, and that includes a range in partnered encounters. Simply put: Some people of all genders enjoy having more partners, while others enjoy fewer. Some people find long-term partners while others take more time and are therefore exposed to a wider range of experiences. There are many factors that go into your individual sex life. That’s what makes it yours.
When it comes to making your sexual decisions, ditch the worry about numbers and focus on the quality of experience. In other words:
Does this person respect you?
I’m not talking about wanting to date you or be with you in the future. Look for a baseline level of respect — I promise you’re worth it, and it’s amazing how rare that can be if you really analyze the experience. If your partner is pressuring you in any way, making you feel uncomfortable, or objectifying you, do not ignore these red flags.
Next, decide if you want the experience, too. It’s possible to get lost in other emotions during your sexual decision making, such as the desire to feel validated or wanting to pleasing someone else. So it’s always a good idea to check in with yourself and see where your head and heart are at in that moment.
It does take time and work to understand your decisions and you may not always get it right. Sex isn’t an answer to other problems.
At the end of the day, if you want to have a consensual sexual experience with someone, do it. If you don’t want to have a sexual experience with someone, don’t do it.
There is no question that this is easier said than done, but it’s important to remember that participating — or deciding not to participate — in a sexual act of any kind, are two equally weighted decisions. Your choices are valid. Just make sure you are making them for yourself and for the right reasons and own them until the end.
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