The Library

The 37-Year-Old Who Wants to Take Care of Herself

3 Min Read
The 37-Year-Old Who Wants to Take Care of Herself

BTBz is dedicated to talking about sexual health and self-discovery — and our community’s voices are critical in these conversations. Welcome to the BTBz Column: a weekly reflection by our community members about their own sexual identities. Want to contribute anonymously? Get in touch.

A: 37, S: Female, L: Milan, Italy
 

 What’s your current relationship status? How do you feel about it?

I’m in a relationship with the father of my two children. We’ve been inseparable for seven years now. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs, but he’s my everything, my lover and my best friend, and I definitely do not want to live without him.


 Describe your first kiss in 5 words.

Public, unromantic, quick, floppy, and fun.

What song is on your in-the-mood playlist?

There are many! One that really gets my body moving is “Dreaming of You” by L’Impératrice and Isaac Delusion. Wow. “Woman” by Emmit Fenn is another winner.

What does confidence mean to you? 

It means walking into a room with many people and still feeling ok. I can become extremely self-aware in some situations, so it means being able to speak, move, feel and have opinions without a filter. I've been scared of being judged since before my teen years, so the fact that I can feel confident around a lot of people is a great achievement for me. 

How do you feel about sex on the first date?

There’s no shame in having sex on the first date. What’s wrong is setting limits for yourself that you don’t actually support. If you do want to get intimate with a person, you should, and if you don’t feel like having sex the first time meeting someone, you shouldn’t. It shouldn’t be more difficult than that.


What do you look for in a partner?

Having a good person in front of you is an important start, but that’s not enough for someone to be a good fit for you. What do I look for in a partner apart from the very obvious of being a good and trustworthy person? Someone fun. A person that likes to enjoy life, is open-minded and adores learning. Intelligence is very important — I mean, a person that seeks to know and understand different things, and speaks about them. You don’t need to be romantic but I need someone to surprise me from time to time. 


How do you focus on your relationship with yourself?

This is a tough one. I experienced years of difficulties after giving birth to my first child and in all of that heartbreak, I blamed and judged myself for not being strong enough which obviously took me deeper into the darkness. The biggest difference today comes from not talking badly to myself, and I’m actively working on getting over the feeling of never being good enough. I do it through very valuable conversations with a professional. It’s been very helpful to have someone guiding me and helping me getting back on track when losing my way.   


How do you practice self-care? 

Self-care for me usually means working out. I recently canceled my gym membership because I noticed that it was easier and quicker doing my workout at home right before lunch. I usually practice pilates or yoga, and I can’t think of anything better to make myself feel lighter, happier and stronger. I would love to pamper myself in many other ways, but the truth is that a normal day doesn’t allow me to give myself that time, and when I do have time I prefer to spend an hour on the sofa, sipping some gin or whisky, and watching something on Netflix with my partner.


What does sex positivity mean to you?

Seeing it for what it is: Pleasure for your soul and mind. It is not feeling shame around the subject and feeling free to express what feels good for you. Sex is a beautiful moment where you should let yourself go off all that doubt that you might feel about yourself and your body. Sex for me now — at 37 — is far from what it was in my twenties, and I’m excited to continue experimenting and learning more about pleasing myself and my partner.


When do you feel most in tune with your body?

When I’ve been taking good care of myself. Stressful periods where self-care has been left out are also the times when I’ve felt the least in tune with my body.